Day 6, 28 weeks adjusted

Today was a hard day. Not for Marco, he's doing great, but for me. I'm going through the motions of having a new born baby - being congratulated, postpartum diaper and sore breasts, pumping around the clock, up 2-3x a night...but I don't have my baby. For those who don't know, pumping sucks (pun intended), but pumping without your baby is the Worst. The exhaustion plus hormones really get to you when you don't have a cute baby to snuggle on the couch all day. If this was my first time maybe I wouldn't realize what I was missing - but I've been through this twice before. The first weeks after a baby is born are the most exhausting and rewarding. You get to know them, snuggle with them, feed them, relax and escape from the world with them. But not if your baby is in the NICU.

I had a check up today with my doc, mainly to check blood pressure, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I heard a mom proudly say she was exhausted, but her baby finally slept through the night. I heard my doctor next door with another mom saying her baby is looking great and she's right on track for 3rd trimester. I sat, waiting in my room, looking at maternity posters and an ultrasound machine, and the unfairness of it all washed over me. Needless to say, my blood pressure check wasn't great. I was moved to a less offensive room and watched funny videos of my older boys until I was calm enough to get a good reading.

For my family reading this, don't worry, I'm mentally in a good place - I've got a great support system and I know myself well enough to know that I'm not depressed. I just had a hard day - which is to be expected.

On the bright side... my Marco is a fighter!

I was able to hold him for 2 hours today and it was marvelous. The absolute best medicine. He made little cooing noises and he even gave me a few of those involuntary smiles! Big toothless sleepy grins. The best.

Medically, he continues to do well. 

- Breathing support had to be increased slightly, but nothing the docs are worried about - natural course for a preemie. 

- Feeding he is doing really well, so they are going to take out his umbilical cord IV - which is so exciting for mama as he will be MUCH less fragile after that. They started him today on fortified breastmilk - which is a mix of my milk plus a special high-calorie and vitamin cocktail to pump up the power of the milk and help preemies grow. Unlike full term babies, moms breastmilk isnt quite enough for these little guys. He's handling it well, and they are happy with his progress. He wont be able to suck/bottle feed til around 34 weeks, so we've got a while to go, but good progress.

- Brain - the big scan is scheduled for tomorrow. I'm anxious, but hopeful as they haven't seen any signs of a serious brain bleed. Not to say there isn't one, but no obvious signs. Results may not come in until Friday, which is frustrating, but good to know so that I can prepare myself.

We've started to figure out a system that works - but honestly I don't know how I'll keep this schedule up once I return to work. Most likely I'll need to only hold him every other day (trading off with the hubby after work) because it takes at least 2 hours start to finish. 

All I know for sure is that, together, we'll figure it out; and in a few (long) months this tough part of our lives will be fading into memory.