2 weeks, 30 weeks adjusted

Another week successfully managed! 2 down, 10 to go.

Three thoughts to share with you this week:

1. Marco is doing great medically speaking! 

No huge updates, which is exactly what we want - a nice boring NICU stay. Earlier in the week he dipped in his breathing, so they had to put him back on a form of support (Positive Pressure Ventilation) that pushes breaths into his lungs. That lasted a few days, then they were able to put him back onto a simple CPAP (forced air that helps the lungs stay open but does not assist with breathing). Aside from that it was business as usual. He is back to birth weight, but just barely, and they'd like him to gain weight at a faster rate - so they'll give him more calories. Either through more milk per feeding (if he can stomach it) or increase the amount of calories in the fortified milk (milk + extra calories/vitamins to help preemies).

2. The human body is a truly amazing thing.

On a non-Marco related note - the doctors did some tests on my placenta to see if they could find out what happened to cause my preterm labor. They couldn't determine why my water broke in the first place, but they were able to draw some conclusions as to why I went into labor. Post water breaking, my placenta got infected and the infection had started going into my umbilical cord. I had no signs of this infection (fever, etc.), but my body knew. It is so unbelievable what the body naturally does to protect itself and our babies. My body knew that the infection was about to get critical - that it couldn't continue up the umbilical cord or I'd lose my baby - so it said Closing Time, everybody out! As much as I hated going into labor and hated that our time was up, I'm so thankful we didn't try to hold him in and he came into the world relatively unharmed.

3. I'm torn in two.

This second week I've gotten into a bit more of a groove - just in time to start work next week. While I have confidence that I'll figure it out and find a whole new groove, I'm nervous how my new schedule will affect my boys. Already I feel torn between my two worlds: being Mama and being a NICU Mama. I want to give my all to L and N, my two older boys, but too often I hear myself saying "I'm too tired" or "Mama needs to pump".

I've told myself I'll make more of an effort, but between pumping, spending time with Marco and regular mama responsibilities, something's got to give. I can't give up sleep, as I'm not getting much of that as-is, so unfortunately, the only area that I can wiggle on is Marco time. I simply cannot dedicate 2-4 hours of my day to the hospital.

Today I said no to skin-to-skin time with Marco. It made me feel so incredibly guilty. I just couldn't give the 2 hours minimum that it takes for the whole process. I needed to reset. I needed to nap. I needed a break. I went in to see him and drop my milk off, and the nurse asked if I wanted to go to the bathroom before I held him (as you have to hold him for a minimum of an hour). And I had to tell her, no, I'm not holding him today. 

I know I only imagined the disappointment in her eyes, I know that it is OK for me to put myself first, but I still felt like the worst Mama. Aside from milk, skin-to-skin time is the one thing I can do to help his growth. It is so critically important. Yet, I had to pass on it today. Thankfully, my husband is amazing, and he was able to go after work and hold Marco. This is just how it will have to be. We'll take turns after work and Marco will continue to thrive, and it will be OK.

Happy 2 weeks Marco baby.

(p.s. Second picture below is my super curious 2 year old. Mama gets no privacy haha)