1 Week, 29 weeks adjusted

Happy 1 week to Marco! And what a happy day it was for him. We've been anxiously waiting for the 1 week brain scan which would tell us if there were any bleeds... there were none!! What an amazing relief. While there will be many more hurdles along the way, this was a big one to overcome and it gives us hope for the next few months.

The whole day I was on edge - especially after speaking with my neighbor this morning, who happens to live with her partner who has Cerebral Palsy (CP), which happened to occur because her partner was born 3 months early. Not kidding. I've lived next to these women for 6 years and never knew their story (aside from the fact that one of them had special needs and rarely left the house) - and to find out today, as I'm waiting for a scan that will tell me if my child may develop CP - it was a bit too timely for comfort. That said - all's well that ends well and we can happily move on to worrying about other things!

Like pumping. I mentioned in my last post that it is the bane of my existence. It's not so much the pumping that gets to me, it's the fact that I've never been able to produce a lot of milk - which adds so much stress to everything. As a first time mom, 6 years ago, I remember so clearly not being able to breast feed well (L wouldn't latch), and struggling to keep up with his demand. By 4 months, the doctor said I needed to supplement with formula as he wasn't gaining enough weight. The first time we fed him formula I locked myself in my room and bawled - believing I wasn't able to do the one thing my child needed, I wasn't a good mom and I had failed. Of course - I came to realize that's bullshit - especially after I saw how much he began to thrive and that my bond with him was as strong as ever. I vowed I'd never put that kind of pressure on myself again. That I'd never get stressed about breastfeeding. I stuck to that with N, my second born. He was a formula baby from week 2, after I gave it a shot, got mastitis and promptly said F this. 

Enter Marco. Again, I cannot keep up with his demand. Again, I find myself bawling because I'm not good enough and cannot provide. If he was a full term baby, I wouldn't think twice about formula -but he's not - and the doctors say preemies especially need breast milk. So much so that if I can't produce, they use donor milk. I'm doing everything I can - extra pump sessions, supplements, seeing specialists - but at some point I need to put my mental health first and accept the fact that donor milk will be just as good as mine, and I'll give him what I can, which is better than nothing. I know this in my head. Now I just need to convince my heart. All in good time.

Overall a positive day, despite the stressful anticipation and dreaded pumping. 1 week down - only 11 more to go!

I'll leave you with this - no pictures today, but an amazing piece of writing my friend sent me. Marco doesn't have a disability (at least not that we know of), but this applies very well to my current state of mind.